Nashville – An “old school” journalism professor at a local university went on a 45 minute rant today to point out that the Associated Press’s Twitter account didn’t use correct AP Style when its account was hacked earlier today.
“Look at this! Look at this!” As he held up a copy of the 2013 edition of the AP Stylebook, “do you know what this means? It’s the Bible of our trade and craft, and here we are, the internet is ruining it! First it took my job, and now it’s taking away the things I teach?” The professor reportedly spent the remaining class time quietly sobbing into a copy of today’s local newspaper.
WASHINGTON – Late Tuesday evening Senator Dianne Feinstein called for stiffer regulations on pressure cookers, and calling for bans on “high capacity” pressure cookers in particular. This proposal comes on the back of the tragic terror attack on Boston.
In a press statement Feinstein stated that “no one needs a pressure cooker larger than 6 quarts, I’ve watched enough ‘Top Chef’ and ‘Rachel Ray’ to know that there is no need for these high capacities. I am for cookware rights, I have a kitchen myself, but we have to come together as a nation to stop the terror inflicted by ‘cooker crimes.’”
Feinstein may face stiff opposition, with Sarah Palin tweeting to her followers, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen #tcot.” Other opponents weighed in on Twitter, one opining that “Feinstein can pry my pressure cooker from my cold dead pot holders.”
Despite various opponents on both sides of the aisle, Feinstein gained cosponsor John McCain, who added a jab aimed at his fellow conservatives by tweeting “Only the most deluded of us could doubt the necessity of this ban. #neverforget.” Asked if the White House would also push for a ban at a press conference, Joe Biden said, “my wife cooks, it’s not my problem.”
(NEW YORK) During Kentucky Senator Rand Paul’s filibuster attempting to shed light on drone policy, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg ordered an NYPD drone to take out a suspected “food terrorist.”
“We have reason to believe that there was a smuggling operation of 7-11 Big Gulps and salt shakers,” said Bloomberg in a press briefing following the strike. He continued, “There are serious dangers to large sodas and salt shakers, dangers that could potentially kill innocent Americans.” This is the first known U.S. drone strike on U.S. soil to address the problem of domestic food terrorists. The White House released a statement shortly after the attack stating that, “this is a perfect example of an ‘imminent threat,’ this falls well within the reasonable constitutional grounds outlined by Eric Holder’s reply to Senator Paul.”
Many people on Twitter have posted their support for Michael Bloomberg and the Obama administration, with blogger Andrew Sullivan opining “who are we to question the President on this matter? I trust our government to do what is right in this regard.” The New York Times has released a mock-up of their front page regarding Bloomberg as a hero, while attacking Senator Paul for his self indulgent love of candy and soda pop.
WASHINGTON – In a picture we don’t see every day, a bipartisan commission ruled today that the new Obama “Forward” music video “is one of the worst music videos ever created.” In an official statement, the commission of 5 Republicans and 5 Democrats said the video “shows how music is in steady decline.” In their closing remarks it was said that “We’d rather listen to a wind chime in a metal garbage can rolling down the hill and running into a flock of geese dubbed over the movie Gigli.”
The Obama campaign quickly receded their music video and apologized for the mishap, and stated that they would “continue to focus on attacking people who make money and lie about Libya.”
Romney began making fun of the new video by singing “God Bless America” out of tune.
(NASHVILLE) A local man has reportedly died of alcohol poisoning after playing a debate drinking game in which you take a shot every time one of the candidates lies. Instead of going the traditional route of catch phrases and verbs, the man went into expecting more out of politicians. “He was an Independent, just trying to find the answers in this messed up world,” said an onlooker. “He was watching MSNBC and started drinking a little early, but still that was just 2 or 3 shots,” said the man’s roommate. The 25 year old man had just lost his job with a local factory and was looking to vote for Romney according to reports; but no since he is now dead, he might vote for Obama, as the Democrats continue to cater to the deceased demographic.
CHICAGO – As print newspapers struggle to find readership, the Obama campaign has turned to online media to find those swing voters late in the election. One campaign volunteer stated that the only time he had used a newspaper was to cover a homeless man who was clearly violating the community ordinance about being poor.
Following the great success of the 2004 dive into social media by Joe Trippi, and again in 2008, the campaign feels that there is still much ground left uncovered. So in many key swing states the campaign has deployed the ironically named “death panels” to seek out online obituaries and turn them into Obama voters.